Living scared

For someone who was trying so hard to end my life a few years ago, I am now scared that my life may actually come to end before my time.  I've had some health problems for several years, but the news I received a couple weeks ago left me reeling.  I went to the doctor for just a routine checkup.  My O2 was low as it has been for a little while.  We did lab work and a chest x-ray. He said the x-ray just showed changes conducive to COPD, yet he ordered a chest CT scan.   His nurse called a few days later saying that he wanted me back in the office within a week.  Not good news, I thought.  What's wrong that he wants me back in that fast?  I didn't, and still don't, fathom what he told me.  I was in stage 1 kidney disease, I have a fatty liver, my lungs are operating at 50% capacity, I have right-sided heart failure and, as if anything else could possibly be wrong, I have a 7mm nodule on my lung that may be cancer.  I have to wait 3 months before they do another CT scan to see if the nodule has grown any.  This will be the longest 3 months of my life!  In the mean time, I slowly go crazy.  I am also on oxygen 24/7, which I absolutely HATE!!!  Especially having to wear the portable O2 unit when I go out anywhere.  I have converted my on-campus classes to on-line classes and pretty much have become a hermit.  I don't go out unless I absolutely have to. I can't seem to do anything except work on my jigsaw puzzles on-line. It's about the only thing that seems to keep my mind off my health problems.  So I guess I will go back to my puzzles and let the days melt away.