Living scared

For someone who was trying so hard to end my life a few years ago, I am now scared that my life may actually come to end before my time.  I've had some health problems for several years, but the news I received a couple weeks ago left me reeling.  I went to the doctor for just a routine checkup.  My O2 was low as it has been for a little while.  We did lab work and a chest x-ray. He said the x-ray just showed changes conducive to COPD, yet he ordered a chest CT scan.   His nurse called a few days later saying that he wanted me back in the office within a week.  Not good news, I thought.  What's wrong that he wants me back in that fast?  I didn't, and still don't, fathom what he told me.  I was in stage 1 kidney disease, I have a fatty liver, my lungs are operating at 50% capacity, I have right-sided heart failure and, as if anything else could possibly be wrong, I have a 7mm nodule on my lung that may be cancer.  I have to wait 3 months before they do another CT scan to see if the nodule has grown any.  This will be the longest 3 months of my life!  In the mean time, I slowly go crazy.  I am also on oxygen 24/7, which I absolutely HATE!!!  Especially having to wear the portable O2 unit when I go out anywhere.  I have converted my on-campus classes to on-line classes and pretty much have become a hermit.  I don't go out unless I absolutely have to. I can't seem to do anything except work on my jigsaw puzzles on-line. It's about the only thing that seems to keep my mind off my health problems.  So I guess I will go back to my puzzles and let the days melt away.

Baby girl lost

It's been a long time since I've written anything here.  So much has happened since then.  February 26, 2013 my 1st granddaughter was born.  She gave us a scare from the very beginning.  My daughter elected to be induced because her doctor was gonna be gone when she was due.  She was only a few days early so the doc didn't see any problem with it.  They induced my daughter at 8:00am on the 26th.  At first it seemed as everything was going just fine.  But as time went on baby seemed to be getting stressed.  When Becki would move a certain way, baby's heartbeat would drop considerably.  Finally around 8:00pm, they decided to do a c-section.  I was going to be able to be in surgery with Becki and be there when they brought baby out.  I was so excited!  I waited for what seemed like forever for them to come and get me after they had Becki prepped and they were ready to start.  Finally the nurse came out, but it wasn't to get me.  The epidural didn't work, so they had to put Becki out and I couldn't be in there under those circumstances.  So I waited yet again for them to get me to take baby upstairs.  They finally brought her out.  She was so tiny! So beautiful! So perfect! She was my granddaughter!  My very own beautiful, precious little baby granddaughter! My heart swelled with love for her.  I loved her as if I had given birth to her myself. I was so overwhelmed with a love that I hadn't felt since I gave birth to my daughter. They named her Aurora Rose, giving her my middle name.  I was so proud! When they first told me her name was Aurora Rose, I was having trouble pronouncing it. It was a tongue twister for me, so I just called her Rory.

But that wasn't the last scare she was going to give us.  Friday morning we went to the hospital to bring Becki and Aurora home.  When we got there Becki was nearly in tears.  Something was wrong with Aurora and she didn't know what.  She said they hadn't brought her in to be fed all night. As it turned out, Aurora's heart rate had dropped again during the night and they were keeping a close eye on her.  Her doctor had conferenced with a cardiologist and they determined that it wasn't anything to be concerned about.  They would keep an eye on her at her regular checkups.

As all turned out it was nothing to worry about.  Aurora grew and developed quickly and normally.  She was a happy, healthy baby.  She always had a smile for anyone who looked at her.  And her tongue! She loved to stick her tongue out. And she loved to stand! I knew she would be walking early, just like her mom had.  Becki started walking when she was just 7 1/2 months. Every time I went to see them or they came to see me, my first words were "Where's my baby" as if she were mine.   One weekend in August we went to my sisters.  We played outside with Aurora pretty much for the first time. It was her first time standing in the grass. She got to see her first frog and was very interested in him. And the birds. She loved the birds. She just watched them in awe as they sang to her. It was such a perfect summer day playing with our little angel. Little did we know that it would be one of the last.

On August 19, 2013 at about 10:00pm, I got the worst phone call of my life and one that I will never forget.  It was my daughter, Becki.  She was so hysterical I could barely make out what she was trying to tell me. Somebody was gone.  Somebody had died.  It was my little Aurora Rose.  My dearest, sweetest little Aurora Rose, my Rory.  NO! NO! NO! Not my baby girl!! It couldn't be! What happened? How could this be? This can't be real! It can't be true! I hung up the phone and bawled my eyes out as I told my roommate what happened and asked her to drive me to my daughter's which was about 45 minutes away. I cried in disbelief all the way there.  We got there to find my daughter outside her apartment, on her knees crying hysterically. Her fiance was next to her with his arm around her just as hysterical. The police were still there, but the ambulance had already left with Aurora. They didn't even let Becki see her before they took her away.

Kaleb, Becki's fiance and Aurora's daddy, had put her to bed on a pillow in the recliner as they often did and while she slept he took a nap before he had to go to work. He woke up 6 hours later to find Aurora unresponsive. She was dead. She was 1 week shy of being 6 months old and she was gone.  He had laid her on her stomach and she had suffocated. I don't understand how, she was old enough to turn her head. And worst of all, I don't understand why. Why would God take our little angel? Why would he destroy our lives that way?

Aurora would have been a year old last week, February 26. I haven't been able to get her out of my mind ever since.  That fateful night replays itself over and over in my mind. Holding her lifeless body in my arms at the funeral home was so unreal. It felt like I was holding a large concrete doll.  I am so sad, so heartbroken. I have a "memorial" for her on top of my desk.  Her picture and candles from the funeral and some other stuff. I look at it often and think about all the things that she would be doing now if she was still with us. I often think of all the firsts that we will never have with her: her first steps, her first words, all of her first discoveries like the frog and the birds, her first school day, her first date, her first dance.  We would never see her graduate or get married. We would never see her have her own children.

Aurora Rose King died way too young. One should never have to bury their grandchildren. My heart breaks a little more every day. Soon there won't be anything left of my heart. It will all be in heaven with my dearest little Aurora Rose, my Rory.

About blogging

I have enjoyed blogging, although I often forget to do it.  I think I will continue to blog here even after class is finished.  It's a good outlet for creativity or emotion.

Decisions, decisions

Sometimes, the hardest decisions in life are actually the easiest ones.  The evidence is right there in front of you.  You know what you need to do.  It is the process of moving forward with that decision that is so hard.

Cat-Dog

Do any of you remember the cartoon CatDog. One end cat, the other end dog?  Well, I don't have the two ends like that, but I do have a cat who thinks he's a dog.  He is a 20-month old Maine Coon, weighing over 15 lbs.  I have to have baby locks on my cupboard doors or he gets in them and drags stuff out.  One day, he helped himself to a bag of marshmallows and brought them in on my bed.  Guess he thought I needed sweetening up!  There was another time when he grabbed a bag of rice and tore it open and had rice all over the floor!  Toilet paper and paper towels are, I believe, his favorite toys.  Got to keep them locked up too.  If you throw something, he will fetch it.  He won't bring it back, but he does love to run after anything you want to throw.  If he wants your attention he will stand up on his back legs and paw at you with his front paws.  When I go to bed at night he will jump up behind me and paw at the blankets until he can get under them.  His name is Teddy, but I wonder if I should call him Dog?  Or maybe CatDog?

Sense

Think of a warm, sunny spring day.  You can hear the birds singing, the frogs croaking, crickets chirping.  Watching the trees and the grass gradually becoming more and more green as the days go by.  You can feel the warmth of the sun and the soft kiss of the breeze on your face.  You can smell the fresh cut grass that the neighbor is mowing.  The taste of a Dairy Queen Dilly Bar tells you that spring really is finally hear! 

A remembered conversation

     I received a text from my daughter: "Mom, I've taken 3 tests and they were all positive!  How do I tell Dad?" 

     I immediately dialed her number and asked "Why are you telling my about this in a text!  You call me with this kind of news!"

     "I'm sorry, Mom" she replied.  "But I'm scared to tell Dad!"

     "Just tell him.  He won't be mad."

     "Will you tell him for me?" she asked.

     "Okay.  Hand him the phone." I reply.

     My husband gets on the phone.  Confused and curious, he asks "What's going on?"

    I chuckle and say "Looks like we're going to be Grandma and Grandpa!"